A reminder to myself, again

I’ve been writing to myself on and off for a number of years now. And while I feel I have a great proclivity for the craft, and a desire to get better, I’ve always been afraid to share my thoughts. I have a lot of early childhood experiences that have lived under the surface of my life whose sole existence has been to cause me to hide, to not want to be seen, to be invisible.

That, however, has not kept me from listening intently to every conversation, from learning through others’ mistakes and bad opinions. From recreating my own ideas and beliefs continually over time. Skepticism, if wielded well, is a great friend, and I’ve learned to become a better thinker and arbiter of what I think a better world could be, and how to evolutionize my thought to form better ideas about myself and the world. Unfortunately, I’ve spent a number of years not doing the inner work required to change my inherent fear of letting my ideas out into the world.

Below is a post I wrote, based on another post I wrote, over 10 years ago. The idea that I could have been aware of my fear of failure and rejection back then, and still so recently be consumed by it, is at once amusing and insightful. To be plagued by an innate sense of inner guilt: for being alive, to be shame-bound. I came to the realization recently that my problems were deeper than I had imagined, and that a lot of it had to do with the nature of my insecure relationships as a child with parents, bullies and friends.

But I am not a victim. A victim is someone who has been persecuted acutely. I am free from the physical influence of those who would seek to abuse their power over me or our tentative relationships. To maintain the identity of a victim is to let the abusers win, and the biggest “F-you” to those who would abuse you is to never repeat their actions, to learn from them, and to become a more integrated person. In that sense, there is a part of me that is in some sense thankful for having had such negative experiences, because I learned very quickly about that which I did not want to become, about wanting to build something better than I was given. I also have an innate empathy for people in such stuck mental frameworks, seemingly unable to dig themselves out of their self destructive actions, having no scaffolding themselves.

Maybe this will find the right person at the right time, and help them to contextualize their own lives for the better. But this is just as much a reminder to myself that I need to continue this path, for as of late it has called me like a clarion horn. I am different now, more self-aware, more patient with myself. And in that, I can finally see that path that was always set before me - one of my own making. As I approach 34 years of age, a decade removed from the below thoughts - let this be a reminder to myself that now is the time. Now is the time. Now is the time.

So, here is what I wrote to myself as a younger me, in response to what I wrote to myself as an even younger me, and let is serve as a reminder that we can always choose to forge ahead, that we can grow.

This is a post I published on a blog of a different name, and wanted to share it here. Obviously I haven't been writing at all, and have not felt compelled to in a long while. But after almost two years of employment with a corporation, I thought that this post in hindsight was, ironically, poignant to my current experience - as you will see that hindsight and emotional fear are the very same things I spoke of two years ago. Even people claiming to be rational behave not in manor considered to be so. Well, here goes:

From Feb, 2013

"I have been afraid of writing this post for a year. It was never a constant or conscious fear, but rather a subconscious, latent fear of failure. Despite what all of the great authors in the online world wrote about shedding fear or turning it into fuel, and despite what those around me said, I let it eat me away.

You see for some time now I have been enamored by the idea that I could help others through writing and ideas. I think I always have wanted to be an adviser of some sort, but never realized it until fairly recently. Nor did I realize that I’ve always had some strange attraction to writing. Combining the two, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I thought that writing to help people could be a good option for me.

But the viability of it seems daunting.

After graduating college I thought I was confident and ready to take on the job world and be successful. Even though I hated the idea of a “9 to 5″ job, stupid bosses and useless co-workers I was willing to accept a sort of defeat in order to start paying off my student loans and accept a job I would most likely hate after 2 weeks.

I had been reading about writing online, self-publishing, and found most of what I read to be helpful, but never really was committed to the idea, nor did I think it was viable.

I essentially was dooming myself before I even tried.

But in hindsight ( which is often your most powerful tool for learning from experience, or in my case from a lack of it) I realize that I was simply afraid of putting myself out there,was afraid of new experiences or awkward social situations. And the worst thing about it all is I was in denial about my own fear.

And I generally say I don’t care about what people think of me…

Even as I was reading posts from Leo Babauta of Zenhabits and Julien Smith of Inoveryourhead I was simply too stupid to realize that I was afraid of expressing myself through writing or anything creative. To me its always been akin to telling someone your deepest secrets.

Even though I still have some insecurities about what I’m doing, I’m slowly getting better, and I hope that anyone who reads this can learn from me the things it took me so long to comprehend:

1. Be more reflexive. Even if that’s your favorite adjective, strive to be more so. It’s a process not an endpoint.

2. Fear of creative expression is legitimate but conquerable. Whether it be public speaking, song writing, making a video or simply sharing your ideas on the web, just do it for yourself, and no one else.

4. Just remember that you owe it to yourself to be happy, and you need to do whatever it takes to be so.

3. Your are your biggest limit if you allow it.

Honestly, upon reading this again. not much has changed. I never really wrote after that post, and I acquiesced to the day-job gig. But life is not bad overall, and I'm not one to whine. But life has definitely lived up to its expectation in regards to what corporatism has to offer. No human should be forced to work in such droll environments for endless periods in a day; In my observation, most of what we do, as low-end sales people, customer service reps, middle managers, etc. is completely useless. Most projects I've observed revolve around simply finding a new way to do the same task, with no enhancement in efficiencies or quality of work. Just as "Organizing is often well-planned hoarding", work flow changes are simply Ill-managed shuffling, to which one can only ask -- to what end?

All of that aside though, I feel extraordinarily wiser than two years ago. I have been reading vociferously, building my relationship with my life partner, learning ways to navigate adult life (I am now twenty-four years old). And I don't regret my time in an office or large company, because to regret most anything is to deny the legitimacy of one's experiences in life, which is all we have, and all we learn from. I have learned what I do not want to do for the rest of my life, and I will be actively seeking ways to escape the shallow work in which I am currently employed.